nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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