i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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