Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
