so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
