Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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