I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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