the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
