i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
