Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
