he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
