forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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