if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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