Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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