if you like me you must not know who I am
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
