i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
