well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
