it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
