i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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