Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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