Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
