I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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