this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
