R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
