tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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