Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
