I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
