I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
