in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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