I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
