So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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