So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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