I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
