I wish my penis had an off switch
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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