she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my sisters under your porch take her home
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
pray to the hookup gods
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
