Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the night ended with taco bell and tears
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
