my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
