Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
