This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
you never un-have a 4some
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
