I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
