Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
