I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
