she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
