I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
