just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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