Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
