Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
