You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
