I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
