Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
