wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
that is very illegal...i love you.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
